Christmas songs. Other than politics, few things in life are quite so polarizing. People tend to love holiday music or hate it. By the time we reach the end of the holiday season, however, more people tend to be in the “hate” category.
The biggest problem is that the Christmas song catalog remains relatively small and songs become insanely overplayed. I mean, I thought “Deck the Halls” was fine the first 50 times I heard it, but suddenly a blood vessel popped in my neck on the 51st time and I can’t listen to it anymore.
Because I’ve already noticed a general sense of doneness with Christmas music this year, I’m giving you a list of 10 of the most politically incorrect/dirtiest/messed up Christmas songs. These aren’t as well known as “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” or “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” and most of them are much, much, much worse if you listen to the words. In fact, you probably shouldn’t listen to the words. Obviously, there are more than 10 of these out there, but here’s my list. Disclaimer: many of these are super offensive, so read and listen at your own risk.
HONORABLE MENTION: “Santa’s Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck” by Rudy the Redneck Reindeer — The fake chipmunk-like voice is utterly atrocious. Dear Rednecks: ENOUGH. Love, America.
HONORABLE MENTION: “Have a Cheeky Christmas” by The Cheeky Girls — Uhhhh… well I guess this isn’t quite as terrible if you watch on mute.
10. “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” by John Denver — The thought of an eight-year-old boy asking his daddy not to get drunk — in a serious, non-satirical manner — so momma doesn’t cry is so depressing it actually makes me want to drink.
9. “Back Door Santa” by Clarence Carter — A great jam until you realize he’s talking about “making all the little girls happy.” Ew.
8. “Fuck Christmas” by Eric Idle — The Monty Python comedian basically says the things a lot of people think about the holiday season. Christmas is great, but has become commercialized, stressful and insane.
7. “Father Christmas” by The Kinks — The guitar riffs are badass. The lyrics are bad. Santa gets his ass kicked by poor kids.
6. “Deck My Balls” by Afroman — Ahhh, Afroman. The eternally high rapper never ceases to amaze with his creatively worded songs about weed and screwing the system.
5. “Sexy Santa” by Steel Panther — That is one pervy Santa. Does Mrs. Claus know her hubby should be on the naughty list?
4. “Dead Man Up the Chimney” by Fester and Alin — Somehow it’s a little funnier to hear about Santa getting shot in the “arse” and “sack” when it’s done by cartoonish, muppet-like figures.
3. “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers — Why the heck are there so many messed up Santa songs, especially involving shooting? In this one, a kid shoots other kids because they teased him and asks Santa for forgiveness… but Santa has his own revenge in mind and readies a bullet for the young boy. Wow. I mean, just… wow.
2. “Homo Christmas” by Pansy Division — This song is only OK because it was made by gay singers, or else it would be really homophobic. And it’s rather graphic about sexploits during Christmastime. But still hilarious.
1. “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year” by Tiny Tim — This is the most horrific Christmas song I’ve encountered, and maybe even one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. EVER. This was recorded in the early 1980s when fear about AIDS already ran rampant, without some fool faux musician fueling the fire (try saying that 10 times fast!). Tiny Tim later claimed he was referring to a diet supplement candy bar called Ayds, but clearly that’s a load of crap if you listen to the lyrics, including “He’s lying sick in bed… but now the AIDS have got the best of him. The nurses all look sad cuz Santa’s got it bad.” And then Santa exclaiming, “I’m sick in bed with the AIDS. But I’ll be back next year!” If Tiny Tim made up that diet supplement excuse out of embarrassment or because he couldn’t defend his song, he probably shouldn’t have recorded it. I am leaving the song here to prove it exists but encourage you not to give it extra clicks. Granted, Tiny Tim has been gone for nearly two decades so he won’t benefit from the publicity, but just the idea of supporting this song is gross.
Huh, after listening to those terrible songs, the overplayed holiday hits don’t seem so bad anymore! In fact, let’s put “Deck the Halls” here to end on a good note and to erase the dysfunctional memories of the previous songs. Awww, dancing snowmen! So simple and sweet.